The great move

So much has changed in our lives in the last few months and yet so much remains the same.

Thank God for maternity leave! People may have issues with California but I am happy to have lived there when having my two babies! I have been off work sense January 5th and do not need to return until May 8th and then I plan on taking all my vacation time while trying to get a transfer up here.

I was determined not to return to my former job in fact I was believing/desperately hoping I wouldn't have to go back to work at all.

Although I haven't minded working so much in the past once I started my leave my relationship with Zoey completely changed. She began to actually hug and kiss me, she mimicks everything I do, the way I stand, the way I sigh, cross my arms, eat, everything. She follows me around all day talking up a storm (mostly gibberish but its super cute) I mean she follows me to the bathroom (we shower together everyday) and she is normally right on my feet to where I can't even turn around without knocking her over. I love our relationship! I love that she loves me! I used to think my working didn't affect her but now that I recognize that it does, it breaks my heart to go back.

My husband applied for a hundred jobs and had some promising interviews to places that paid well enough I could stay home, I think that's where I let myself really believe I was done working. He ended up with a job just like what he had in California and with the same pay.

It was an odd feeling when my husband landed this job, I was thankful we didn't have to wait months and run out of the little savings we had. We moved here completely on faith so finding a job was great! But I couldn't help but have a little bit of an emotional break down. Our apt cost more here and I just felt like throwing up and screaming and cursing God. I was hoping our lives could be different.  That we would stop living from paycheck to paycheck that my husband could actually do something he enjoyed and not kill himself working the night shift and then me the day.

So I begrudgingly started applying for a few jobs but soon realized anything like what I'm doing will pay less and I won't have any vacation time built up or seniority.

I still don't know what to do with these emotions. With the fact I am so disappointed.  I don't know why we have to start out here the way we left the life I was hoping to leave behind.

It hasn't been as easy here as I hoped. Its cold, cloudy and rainy. I have no friends. And outside of my husband (who has worked every single day in the last 3 weeks) I feel very alone. This is just another season in my life another chance to choose to trust God even when I don't like what's going on and I don't want to. Its just not that easy. If anybody reads this prayers are appreciated.  :)