I am starting my second semester of college in just four days. I keep telling myself to sleep while I can but for some reason I've hardly slept this whole last month. I'm one of those people who needs to see things work out and wonders on every detail of life. It's horrible and I have told myself a million times that everything will work out. I'm not just worried or stressed, I am crazy excited. I lay awake at night imagining a future. I imagine starting a job as a teacher and having summers off with my kids. I imagine finally being able to buy a house and make a home. I imagine having a second vehicle. I imagine loving on a child who may have a rough home life and seeing something in them that they can believe in. I imagine taking the summers to go to third world countries to help people. It isn't just about having a good career for me. It is about being used by God and doing what He has called us to. He will take care of our finances. I am not just excited about the future after I have a degree, I am excited about classes and learning and reading about new things. I love the classroom. I love lectures. I love pushing myself to learn new things. I love seeing that God can work in a college environment to teach us to further His kingdom. This season of life has been changing me from the inside out and I love it. I don't like being conformed to a certain mindset just because that is what the "church", parents, or whatever political party your apart of says. Life is good. Change is good. Being open minded is good. Working hard is good.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Letting Go and Letting God
A lot has taken place in this last month, I mean a TON!!
First off in June, I started the application process of going to college!! Yay, only took me 7 years to finally decide to follow through. Tony did the application process for me, applied for the pell grant and researched online schools and the local community college. Originally, we were thinking online but my gut was telling me I needed the accountability of a classroom and a teacher that could be there for any questions.
Well, we were accepted for the pell grant and everything was going smoothly when at the end of June, Tony's appendix ruptured! He had been sick for a few days thinking it was food poisoning, well it got so bad he could barely walk, wasn't eating, couldn't go to the bathroom (tmi?) I came home from work and found him groaning and holding his belly, he mentioned he that maybe it was an appendicitis but probably not and that he was still planning on going to work that night. I quickly googled appendicitis and knew that's what he had. It had been 3 days, I had him at the hospital in 10 min. Sure enough it had ruptured and within a couple hours he was in surgery.
He was so close to losing his life, we had waited almost too long to get him in. I felt awful, and so grateful for my husbands life at the same time. The infection from the rupture was so bad he had to stay in the hospital for a few days to make sure the antibiotics were doing the job. Well, the day finally came for us to bring Daddy home, I had taken work off, and was taking the kids to the hospital twice a day, once in the morning until nap time and then after nap time until bed time, it was exhausting but what we all needed, Tony needed his family, the kids needed their Daddy. We came to the hospital expecting to bring him home, but Tony was still in a lot of pain that didn't seem to be getting better and his blood pressure had sky rocketed. While there, his Doctor called to let him know that they had not gotten the whole appendix out and had to go back into surgery that evening,
This scared both of us, the infection had already spread through out his body and he had been close to dying, now it was still in there when we thought it wasn't. We began to pray a lot, I had to leave and bring the kids home, we weren't able to see him that evening due to him going back into surgery so I just sat next to my phone praying hard.
Two hours passed after he went into surgery, I didn't receive a phone call, I started feeling panicky thinking of all the 'what ifs' that I hadn't let myself even consider before. I googled everything I could think of to see if missing part of the appendix was common like the Doctor told us it was. I found almost nothing, which just scared me more.
Finally, the Doctor called letting me know they finally found what they missed and that now my husband should start feeling better. This was the best news I had ever received! He would be in the hospital for another three days. I called out of work for the rest of the week. Tony would be off work for three weeks, money was already tight.
To make it worse Tony had just hit his three months on his job and now could receive health benefits, but although he had filled out the paperwork for insurance it wouldn't start until the first of July. He went to the hospital on June 29th. So now, we weren't working, we couldn't pay our bills and we were in for an enormous hospital bill.
I started getting panicky again thinking about our finances, wondering how we were going to pay rent, wondering how we could pay our car bill, buy groceries? How can we pay a huge hospital bill when we can barely manage our own bills? I decided in a moment I couldn't go to school right now, the grant I received would only cover half of my tuition, we had thought it would cover it all.
But then it hit me, God has NEVER failed us. We've never not payed rent, we've never gone starving, my kids have never gone with out diapers, how was this situation any different then the other things were? Just because the bills were more doesn't mean it's too big for God. I decided that I believe that God wants me in school, God has a plan for us, and I am just going to continue on the path we are on and not let anything, or anyone take us down. I have given up way to many times in the past and yet God has not stopped providing for us. Sometimes just not they way we want.
I decided my husbands much deserved break from work was going to be full of some much needed family time. Tony had been working almost every night since he began his job, in three months he'd only had 5 days off, he came home, I'd go to work, when I got home, he'd go to bed until his shift again. So although, my poor husband was in a lot of pain, and our finances were suffering July was a month of family time, it was truly a wonderful month.
Some other unexpected bumps came at the same time as Tony getting out of the hospital that took me down for a couple of days but again God is good. Always. I cannot control the outcome of things, and we are not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. I have chosen to not worry anymore, to not be anxious, and to just give my burdens back to God and let Him handle the details.
This season is truly the most beautiful one I think I've even been in. I have more peace then I can ever remember having, I am so in love with my family and they are my fulfillment in life. My kids are so wonderful, I have the best husband in the world, life is good. I am living it and enjoying it. It's not about money, it's not about tomorrow, it's not about getting back at people, it's about love, it's about God, it's about laying your burdens down and being thankful for what the Lord has given to you already.
I was able to pick up lots of hours while Tony wasn't working, and now he's been getting tons of overtime, it's the only way we paid our car bill this month and will be able to pay our August rent. Already that is taken care of, and I believe the rest of our bills will work themselves out as well. Zoey's second Birthday was on the 27th, and we are just postponing it til next week, my sister sent her gifts and my mother in-law. She is taken care of.
I was able to go take placement tests at the college this week and will register for my classes next week. I am holding my head up high in expectation for what God has in store, I am loving my family today, and I am going in the path I feel God is leading and not letting the 'little things' worry me anymore and I feel I am a new person for it.
Sorry this is so long. Just remember to love today, I am so grateful for my husbands life, I don't want to fight or stress over money. I don't want to grow bitter or go a day without letting my family know how much I love them. Live your life, love, take nothing for granted, and believe God is good.
First off in June, I started the application process of going to college!! Yay, only took me 7 years to finally decide to follow through. Tony did the application process for me, applied for the pell grant and researched online schools and the local community college. Originally, we were thinking online but my gut was telling me I needed the accountability of a classroom and a teacher that could be there for any questions.
Well, we were accepted for the pell grant and everything was going smoothly when at the end of June, Tony's appendix ruptured! He had been sick for a few days thinking it was food poisoning, well it got so bad he could barely walk, wasn't eating, couldn't go to the bathroom (tmi?) I came home from work and found him groaning and holding his belly, he mentioned he that maybe it was an appendicitis but probably not and that he was still planning on going to work that night. I quickly googled appendicitis and knew that's what he had. It had been 3 days, I had him at the hospital in 10 min. Sure enough it had ruptured and within a couple hours he was in surgery.
He was so close to losing his life, we had waited almost too long to get him in. I felt awful, and so grateful for my husbands life at the same time. The infection from the rupture was so bad he had to stay in the hospital for a few days to make sure the antibiotics were doing the job. Well, the day finally came for us to bring Daddy home, I had taken work off, and was taking the kids to the hospital twice a day, once in the morning until nap time and then after nap time until bed time, it was exhausting but what we all needed, Tony needed his family, the kids needed their Daddy. We came to the hospital expecting to bring him home, but Tony was still in a lot of pain that didn't seem to be getting better and his blood pressure had sky rocketed. While there, his Doctor called to let him know that they had not gotten the whole appendix out and had to go back into surgery that evening,
This scared both of us, the infection had already spread through out his body and he had been close to dying, now it was still in there when we thought it wasn't. We began to pray a lot, I had to leave and bring the kids home, we weren't able to see him that evening due to him going back into surgery so I just sat next to my phone praying hard.
Two hours passed after he went into surgery, I didn't receive a phone call, I started feeling panicky thinking of all the 'what ifs' that I hadn't let myself even consider before. I googled everything I could think of to see if missing part of the appendix was common like the Doctor told us it was. I found almost nothing, which just scared me more.
Finally, the Doctor called letting me know they finally found what they missed and that now my husband should start feeling better. This was the best news I had ever received! He would be in the hospital for another three days. I called out of work for the rest of the week. Tony would be off work for three weeks, money was already tight.
To make it worse Tony had just hit his three months on his job and now could receive health benefits, but although he had filled out the paperwork for insurance it wouldn't start until the first of July. He went to the hospital on June 29th. So now, we weren't working, we couldn't pay our bills and we were in for an enormous hospital bill.
I started getting panicky again thinking about our finances, wondering how we were going to pay rent, wondering how we could pay our car bill, buy groceries? How can we pay a huge hospital bill when we can barely manage our own bills? I decided in a moment I couldn't go to school right now, the grant I received would only cover half of my tuition, we had thought it would cover it all.
But then it hit me, God has NEVER failed us. We've never not payed rent, we've never gone starving, my kids have never gone with out diapers, how was this situation any different then the other things were? Just because the bills were more doesn't mean it's too big for God. I decided that I believe that God wants me in school, God has a plan for us, and I am just going to continue on the path we are on and not let anything, or anyone take us down. I have given up way to many times in the past and yet God has not stopped providing for us. Sometimes just not they way we want.
I decided my husbands much deserved break from work was going to be full of some much needed family time. Tony had been working almost every night since he began his job, in three months he'd only had 5 days off, he came home, I'd go to work, when I got home, he'd go to bed until his shift again. So although, my poor husband was in a lot of pain, and our finances were suffering July was a month of family time, it was truly a wonderful month.
Some other unexpected bumps came at the same time as Tony getting out of the hospital that took me down for a couple of days but again God is good. Always. I cannot control the outcome of things, and we are not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. I have chosen to not worry anymore, to not be anxious, and to just give my burdens back to God and let Him handle the details.
This season is truly the most beautiful one I think I've even been in. I have more peace then I can ever remember having, I am so in love with my family and they are my fulfillment in life. My kids are so wonderful, I have the best husband in the world, life is good. I am living it and enjoying it. It's not about money, it's not about tomorrow, it's not about getting back at people, it's about love, it's about God, it's about laying your burdens down and being thankful for what the Lord has given to you already.
I was able to pick up lots of hours while Tony wasn't working, and now he's been getting tons of overtime, it's the only way we paid our car bill this month and will be able to pay our August rent. Already that is taken care of, and I believe the rest of our bills will work themselves out as well. Zoey's second Birthday was on the 27th, and we are just postponing it til next week, my sister sent her gifts and my mother in-law. She is taken care of.
I was able to go take placement tests at the college this week and will register for my classes next week. I am holding my head up high in expectation for what God has in store, I am loving my family today, and I am going in the path I feel God is leading and not letting the 'little things' worry me anymore and I feel I am a new person for it.
Sorry this is so long. Just remember to love today, I am so grateful for my husbands life, I don't want to fight or stress over money. I don't want to grow bitter or go a day without letting my family know how much I love them. Live your life, love, take nothing for granted, and believe God is good.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
New Plans
In my previous blog I wrote of my desperateness to stay home and be a full time mommy, my frustration on why God wasn't blessing us with better opportunities. The disappointment of wondering why exactly we moved back to Idaho in the first place when it seems all of our reasons did not turn out at all like we expected.
Well, not much has changed physically in our lives but my heart has. Sometimes we need to come to terms with things, and sometimes we need to see things like they are and even if they don't turn out like we've hoped there is a kind of closure in knowing what happened. Then, you can heal. So maybe I was expecting the wrong out come, but not that this isn't what God wanted us to do. Sometimes his plans for us our very different then ours, and He knows what we need, what we must experience to heal and forgive. So that is my choice, to take everyday to forgive, to heal, to love. It isn't always easy.
I started a new job about a month ago it is by far not my favorite thing to do but thankfully the schedule seems to be a lot better then my previous job and they seem to be willing to work with Tony and I so that is a definite plus. Having this though has really caused me to wonder what the heck am I doing with my life? Working low waged jobs I don't enjoy and have to work all the weekends on, there's no consistency, and it is very hard to plan a family life with this kind of work, on top of just barely making it by each month.
So we've thought about it before but I have always been to afraid to actually follow through. I am finally in the process of applying for college and grants!! I am beyond excited to finally be making these decisions, I've decided to go for my teaching degree. I changed from nursing to that because I love the idea of having summers off with the kids and weekends, the schooling isn't as difficult and the job isn't nearly as demanding, I love kids and I have so many family members that are or have been teacher's such as my grandparents and both of my sister-in-laws. I truly feel this what God has planned for me right now and I cannot wait to began my journey.
So we finally were able to buy a new computer the very one I am typing right now. We haven't had one for about 8 months so this is so incredibly nice to have again. Doing everything on my phone can be very difficult and straining on my eyes. I am so happy to have it. So that is my update next time I'll try to write about the babies and how much they are changing!
Well, not much has changed physically in our lives but my heart has. Sometimes we need to come to terms with things, and sometimes we need to see things like they are and even if they don't turn out like we've hoped there is a kind of closure in knowing what happened. Then, you can heal. So maybe I was expecting the wrong out come, but not that this isn't what God wanted us to do. Sometimes his plans for us our very different then ours, and He knows what we need, what we must experience to heal and forgive. So that is my choice, to take everyday to forgive, to heal, to love. It isn't always easy.
I started a new job about a month ago it is by far not my favorite thing to do but thankfully the schedule seems to be a lot better then my previous job and they seem to be willing to work with Tony and I so that is a definite plus. Having this though has really caused me to wonder what the heck am I doing with my life? Working low waged jobs I don't enjoy and have to work all the weekends on, there's no consistency, and it is very hard to plan a family life with this kind of work, on top of just barely making it by each month.
So we've thought about it before but I have always been to afraid to actually follow through. I am finally in the process of applying for college and grants!! I am beyond excited to finally be making these decisions, I've decided to go for my teaching degree. I changed from nursing to that because I love the idea of having summers off with the kids and weekends, the schooling isn't as difficult and the job isn't nearly as demanding, I love kids and I have so many family members that are or have been teacher's such as my grandparents and both of my sister-in-laws. I truly feel this what God has planned for me right now and I cannot wait to began my journey.
So we finally were able to buy a new computer the very one I am typing right now. We haven't had one for about 8 months so this is so incredibly nice to have again. Doing everything on my phone can be very difficult and straining on my eyes. I am so happy to have it. So that is my update next time I'll try to write about the babies and how much they are changing!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The great move
So much has changed in our lives in the last few months and yet so much remains the same.
Thank God for maternity leave! People may have issues with California but I am happy to have lived there when having my two babies! I have been off work sense January 5th and do not need to return until May 8th and then I plan on taking all my vacation time while trying to get a transfer up here.
I was determined not to return to my former job in fact I was believing/desperately hoping I wouldn't have to go back to work at all.
Although I haven't minded working so much in the past once I started my leave my relationship with Zoey completely changed. She began to actually hug and kiss me, she mimicks everything I do, the way I stand, the way I sigh, cross my arms, eat, everything. She follows me around all day talking up a storm (mostly gibberish but its super cute) I mean she follows me to the bathroom (we shower together everyday) and she is normally right on my feet to where I can't even turn around without knocking her over. I love our relationship! I love that she loves me! I used to think my working didn't affect her but now that I recognize that it does, it breaks my heart to go back.
My husband applied for a hundred jobs and had some promising interviews to places that paid well enough I could stay home, I think that's where I let myself really believe I was done working. He ended up with a job just like what he had in California and with the same pay.
It was an odd feeling when my husband landed this job, I was thankful we didn't have to wait months and run out of the little savings we had. We moved here completely on faith so finding a job was great! But I couldn't help but have a little bit of an emotional break down. Our apt cost more here and I just felt like throwing up and screaming and cursing God. I was hoping our lives could be different. That we would stop living from paycheck to paycheck that my husband could actually do something he enjoyed and not kill himself working the night shift and then me the day.
So I begrudgingly started applying for a few jobs but soon realized anything like what I'm doing will pay less and I won't have any vacation time built up or seniority.
I still don't know what to do with these emotions. With the fact I am so disappointed. I don't know why we have to start out here the way we left the life I was hoping to leave behind.
It hasn't been as easy here as I hoped. Its cold, cloudy and rainy. I have no friends. And outside of my husband (who has worked every single day in the last 3 weeks) I feel very alone. This is just another season in my life another chance to choose to trust God even when I don't like what's going on and I don't want to. Its just not that easy. If anybody reads this prayers are appreciated. :)
Sunday, April 7, 2013
My growing family
Hello dear blog. Its been awhile.
Life has sure changed dramatically for our family in the last 6 months! First off I had our baby boy who is now 2 months old!
Zayne Callum Saber (which means God is gracious, and his middle name means Sword of the Spirit). He is precious and his birth was absolutely perfect and easy.
Zoey still isn't quite sure what to think of him and mostly ignores him. She loves taking his pacifier and putting it into her own mouth. She tried to pick him up for the first time yesterday and freaked me out. She is jealous of her time with Mommy however, and wants on my lap everytime I breastfeed. I try to make space but can't always and then she runs away screaming or throws herself on the ground. I can hardly blame the poor girl she has been through a lot of change in these two months!
6 weeks ago we packed up and moved back to Idaho with our 3 week old and 18 month old. The trip wasn't too bad Zayne slept most of the way except for feeding stops every 3 hrs and poor Zoey threw quite a few fits. Thinking we already had an apt we thought the transition would be moderately easy but the nice apartment we had was not as nice as the pictures seemed to show. We ended up living with my parents and their 5 younger kids (my sibs) and two big labs (both sill puppies) for 5 weeks! It was not an easy stay and poor Zoeys things and toys were packed the whole time due to the dogs chewing problems. It was good to get to know my brothers and sisters again, but needless to say, I am so very grateful for our own place now.
Its hard enough adjusting to a new baby, raging hormones, and little sleep. Throw in the last 5 weeks and it was a rollercoaster of constant emotions!
So with Zoey's little fits and tantrums right now I'm kind of letting them go, realizing this poor toddler has no clue why her world keeps changing.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
In the little things
It's really all in the little things. Little things like turning on worship music at the beginning of the day, whether you are truly worshiping or just going about your routine it changes your mood and the atmosphere of your home, and once I turn it on, I can't help but sit down or lift my hands and praise my God.
It's the little things like when I turn on the worship music and suddenly my daughter is by my side swaying back and forth singing. Melts my heart every time, I am finding when I turn on the music my little guy inside starts to kick, and I can't help but wonder what's really going on inside of me. I don't believe a child is ever to young to know the presence of God or to worship.
It's that one small moment you give in to Jesus and feel Him for the first time in days, the love and overwhelming presence. Why do I wait? Why do I not start every morning like this? Why is God so good to us that we can get "busy" and ignore Him for days, weeks, months, or even years, but He is right there when we silence ourselves?
I can't help but love Him more all the time for how wonderful He is. Every situation in my life where I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, like everything was impossible, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on God, on life, everything, He has still provided whether I ask Him to or not, whether I am really intimate with Him or not. It doesn't matter what we give Him He is still there for us, and that is so hard to understand.
I can't even begin to recount all God has done for me. The times I have literally threatened to end my own life as a child unless God came thru, He did. The times where we didn't think we had money for food in the past and yet we always had enough, the times we didn't think we could pay our bills and yet somehow we have each time. Thinking I could never provide for our daughter and all the people who have given me clothes, and things we needed, a crib, stroller, everything. Now with our son, I haven't been freaking out about provision knowing God will take care of us, and just yesterday a girl I hardly know offered me all her baby boy things. I am beyond blessed, and one day I cannot wait to be able to give like others have given to me. I am forever grateful to so many people.
I may not spend hours a day seeking out God like I once did, I may not have a perfect walk with Him, yet He is still faithful. He is in all we do, He is in our work, in our everyday life, in our children, and everyday I am learning how much He is by my side, and how much I am learning thru this season even if it isn't like it used to be. He is so good to me! I give Him all the praise for everything in my life, in the pain there is beauty, because God can turn everything to good. I truly believe everything can turn to good no matter how awful it is.
It's the little things like when I turn on the worship music and suddenly my daughter is by my side swaying back and forth singing. Melts my heart every time, I am finding when I turn on the music my little guy inside starts to kick, and I can't help but wonder what's really going on inside of me. I don't believe a child is ever to young to know the presence of God or to worship.
It's that one small moment you give in to Jesus and feel Him for the first time in days, the love and overwhelming presence. Why do I wait? Why do I not start every morning like this? Why is God so good to us that we can get "busy" and ignore Him for days, weeks, months, or even years, but He is right there when we silence ourselves?
I can't help but love Him more all the time for how wonderful He is. Every situation in my life where I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, like everything was impossible, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on God, on life, everything, He has still provided whether I ask Him to or not, whether I am really intimate with Him or not. It doesn't matter what we give Him He is still there for us, and that is so hard to understand.
I can't even begin to recount all God has done for me. The times I have literally threatened to end my own life as a child unless God came thru, He did. The times where we didn't think we had money for food in the past and yet we always had enough, the times we didn't think we could pay our bills and yet somehow we have each time. Thinking I could never provide for our daughter and all the people who have given me clothes, and things we needed, a crib, stroller, everything. Now with our son, I haven't been freaking out about provision knowing God will take care of us, and just yesterday a girl I hardly know offered me all her baby boy things. I am beyond blessed, and one day I cannot wait to be able to give like others have given to me. I am forever grateful to so many people.
I may not spend hours a day seeking out God like I once did, I may not have a perfect walk with Him, yet He is still faithful. He is in all we do, He is in our work, in our everyday life, in our children, and everyday I am learning how much He is by my side, and how much I am learning thru this season even if it isn't like it used to be. He is so good to me! I give Him all the praise for everything in my life, in the pain there is beauty, because God can turn everything to good. I truly believe everything can turn to good no matter how awful it is.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Being a Mom
Being a mom is one of those things every one seems to take for granted as a child. I remember when I was a kid my mom would talk about how all she ever really wanted to be was a mommy, and I always thought that was lame. She would tell us that being a mom was the greatest gift someone could ever be given, and I would secretly hope I would never be just a "mom".
Boy do I think so differently now! Being a mom is awesome! Every day I fall more in love with my life as a mommy and wife, and I find so much fulfillment from it. Being a mom is full time, non stop work, but it is so rewarding! I find I learn far more then I teach Zoey every day. I learn my actions and words are always being watched my every step is followed and everything I do I am modeling to my daughter how a person should be. The responsibility is huge, and I have to watch myself, and find new ways to do things I do and say things differently all day long. But I love it! It gives me a reason to keep my home clean, to make sure we keep God as a priority in our life, and make sure we are healthy and not just lazy slobs.
I also hated the idea that being a mom meant, keeping up on laundry, learning to cook, clean, bath, and keep some kind of schedule thru out our days. I never wanted to just do those kind of things, but lately I am finding I actually enjoy cooking and learning to make things, I love to make a meal that Zoey loves or my husband loves, I love finding a good recipe that turns out right that we all enjoy, and I love the feeling of a clean home. I find days that I do nothing and sit around watching tv or whatever, I am so upset with myself at the end of it. But days I get off my butt and do the dishes, do some laundry, vacuum, and clean up I am proud of myself and my home. I don't often keep a good schedule and get everything done, working and balancing home life gets difficult, but it is something I am finally beginning to learn, and that feels so good!
Our great thing lately has been deciding to set one day a week aside for cleaning, grocery shopping, and errands, and one day a week for getting out and having a fun family day. It is very rewarding, I don't expect each week to be perfect but this is definitely a step in the right direction and keeps us from eating out or going crazy from cabin fever. I love having a family, I take on the responsibility that being a mom and wife has and try to learn everyday. Learning to admit I am not perfect and I don't have it all together and sometimes I am totally wrong in what I do, and picking myself up each time and trying again. This is what we must do as moms all the time, and I am ok with that. I just want to be the best that I can be and raise a family that loves the Lord above all else is the most important thing in the world!
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