Desperate

This voice deep inside of me is always calling. This voice is always pricking at my mind and heart, no matter what struggles may come in life it is always there. This voice, this feeling, is just gnawing at me, it won't go away even when I run from it. I often make mistakes and ignore it, I do things my way and chose not to hear. I grow more miserable and pretend that it is no longer there. I cannot ignore the voice any longer. 

This voice reminds me who I am, who I was created to be, what my dreams are. This voice has faith in me that I don't. This voice shows me myself as a child always dreaming and full of faith. 

As I start to hear this voice and feel it, I am reminded it is my dear friend Holy Spirit. 

I cannot hide from Him, I cannot run away any longer. 

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels so desperate! I have such a huge hole inside that must be filled I have such a hole of desire! I must accomplish what I was born to! I grow tired of the mundane life that I live and watch so many others live with ease. I wonder how can one be truly happy without living for God? 

I often think and tell God "if I cannot live life for You, if I cannot do what I know You have placed in me to do, I don't want to live!" and I mean it!! I know it sounds eccentric but it's so deep in me. I have lived my whole life knowing what I want but not knowing how to get there. I must do this!! I must live my life to the fullest! 

I have been so side tracked, things happen, people hurt you, life gets hard, we don't understand why things happen. I grow jealous watching others live such easy lives that seem to be handed to them on silver platters, I get tired of trying to think well of others, tired of trying to please them.

In the end I don't have to worry, I don't have to please others, I don't have to wonder what people think of me, I have never wanted to live like others, I have never wanted the "American Dream", I just want to live a life for my God, the One who placed me here, the King I know, that has brought me up to hear His voice and share His love. Just because I have been hurt does not mean I give up on Him, on life. I cannot live without Him. I just can't. I am a miserable jerk that not even I like without Him.