Balancing Life

Learning to balance life is no easy task, at least not for me. Now that I have gotten kind of used to being a mom I am realizing I have no excuse for not getting the things done I want/need to do. It is hard for me to figure out what kind of schedule I should be on, and I keep reminding myself that Zoey will not be a baby forever and soon will require a more "set and balanced lifestyle". I have many ideas but rarely have very much follow thru.

I guess you could say I am a bit lost, I want to be a picture of a mom who has it all together, meals, bedtimes, baths, time with God, laundry, cleaning, work... I want my child/children to be secure and know that I am consistent. Often times when I have days off especially with my husband (sense we both work opposing schedules) I want to just enjoy being together and although there is nothing wrong with that I rarely take the time to do the much needed land field of laundry or clean the apt or even grocery shop, which just leads to wasting money and eating out.

I never pictured myself being a working mom, or really a stay at home mom either. I guess I just thought I would live on the mission field raising children and sharing the gospel in some third world country. Now that that is not the life I am living, at least not yet, I know something must be done.

I am wondering how to keep everything done with a work schedule that is rarely consistent I am always working different shifts and days each week. It is not like I can make some set schedule. I also know that my current job is not where I want to be in the next years/months, and know that I must go to school so I can pursue a better job that would work better for a family. But then,  the question is, how do I work, go to school, have family time, and keep things clean and done? I know tons of moms do this and even single they manage to find ways. I guess I am just afraid that if I cannot put enough time and effort into school I will just drop out and never finish.

Thank God I have a husband who is flexible and fully supports me in everything  I want to do! He helps out, cooks, cleans, babysits and still works 40-60 hrs a week! I know I can do this I just need to figure out what works best for me.

Here are just a few things I need to be more consistent and scheduled with:
Zoey's baths
Laundry
cleaning
grocery shopping
eating times
meal plans
spending time with God
applying for grants and looking into more schools and programs
family outings
work
journaling
keeping up on Zoey's baby book
Zoey's pictures
exercising 
finding healthy alternatives but staying within budget
budgeting

These are just what is on my mind currently I have so many things I could be doing but often, after work especially, end up vegging on the couch watching Netflix or Facebooking.

On the bright side of things, this week I have accomplished applying for Shasta and for some grants (thanks hubby for helping) and keeping up on the dishes and laundry a little better and our apt (not great yet but better). Also we have not eaten out this week but instead actually bought groceries for the week and made meals from those. I also haven't bought anything at work in over a week (which lately, I have been awful just getting whatever because I think I need it or Zoey needs something we really don't). If anyone has any tips please I am ALL ears!!

Desperate

This voice deep inside of me is always calling. This voice is always pricking at my mind and heart, no matter what struggles may come in life it is always there. This voice, this feeling, is just gnawing at me, it won't go away even when I run from it. I often make mistakes and ignore it, I do things my way and chose not to hear. I grow more miserable and pretend that it is no longer there. I cannot ignore the voice any longer. 

This voice reminds me who I am, who I was created to be, what my dreams are. This voice has faith in me that I don't. This voice shows me myself as a child always dreaming and full of faith. 

As I start to hear this voice and feel it, I am reminded it is my dear friend Holy Spirit. 

I cannot hide from Him, I cannot run away any longer. 

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels so desperate! I have such a huge hole inside that must be filled I have such a hole of desire! I must accomplish what I was born to! I grow tired of the mundane life that I live and watch so many others live with ease. I wonder how can one be truly happy without living for God? 

I often think and tell God "if I cannot live life for You, if I cannot do what I know You have placed in me to do, I don't want to live!" and I mean it!! I know it sounds eccentric but it's so deep in me. I have lived my whole life knowing what I want but not knowing how to get there. I must do this!! I must live my life to the fullest! 

I have been so side tracked, things happen, people hurt you, life gets hard, we don't understand why things happen. I grow jealous watching others live such easy lives that seem to be handed to them on silver platters, I get tired of trying to think well of others, tired of trying to please them.

In the end I don't have to worry, I don't have to please others, I don't have to wonder what people think of me, I have never wanted to live like others, I have never wanted the "American Dream", I just want to live a life for my God, the One who placed me here, the King I know, that has brought me up to hear His voice and share His love. Just because I have been hurt does not mean I give up on Him, on life. I cannot live without Him. I just can't. I am a miserable jerk that not even I like without Him.