In the little things

It's really all in the little things. Little things like turning on worship music at the beginning of the day, whether you are truly worshiping or just going about your routine it changes your mood and the atmosphere of your home, and once I turn it on, I can't help but sit down or lift my hands and praise my God.

It's the little things like when I turn on the worship music and suddenly my daughter is by my side swaying back and forth singing. Melts my heart every time, I am finding when I turn on the music my little guy inside starts to kick, and I can't help but wonder what's really going on inside of me. I don't believe a child is ever to young to know the presence of God or to worship.

It's that one small moment you give in to Jesus and feel Him for the first time in days, the love and overwhelming presence. Why do I wait? Why do I not start every morning like this? Why is God so good to us that we can get "busy" and ignore Him for days, weeks, months, or even years, but He is right there when we silence ourselves?

I can't help but love Him more all the time for how wonderful He is. Every situation in my life where I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, like everything was impossible, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on God, on life, everything, He has still provided whether I ask Him to or not, whether I am really intimate with Him or not. It doesn't matter what we give Him He is still there for us, and that is so hard to understand.

I can't even begin to recount all God has done for me. The times I have literally threatened to end my own life as a child unless God came thru, He did. The times where we didn't think we had money for food in the past and yet we always had enough, the times we didn't think we could pay our bills and yet somehow we have each time. Thinking I could never provide for our daughter and all the people who have given me clothes, and things we needed, a crib, stroller, everything. Now with our son, I haven't been freaking out about provision knowing God will take care of us, and just yesterday a girl I hardly know offered me all her baby boy things. I am beyond blessed, and one day I cannot wait to be able to give like others have given to me. I am forever grateful to so many people.

I may not spend hours a day seeking out God like I once did, I may not have a perfect walk with Him, yet He is still faithful. He is in all we do, He is in our work, in our everyday life, in our children, and everyday I am learning how much He is by my side, and how much I am learning thru this season even if it isn't like it used to be. He is so good to me! I give Him all the praise for everything in my life, in the pain there is beauty, because God can turn everything to good. I truly believe everything can turn to good no matter how awful it is.

Being a Mom

Being a mom is one of those things every one seems to take for granted as a child. I remember when I was a kid my mom would talk about how all she ever really wanted to be was a mommy, and I always thought that was lame. She would tell us that being a mom was the greatest gift someone could ever be given, and I would secretly hope I would never be just a "mom".

Boy do I think so differently now! Being a mom is awesome! Every day I fall more in love with my life as a mommy and wife, and I find so much fulfillment from it. Being a mom is full time, non stop work, but it is so rewarding! I find I learn far more then I teach Zoey every day. I learn my actions and words are always being watched my every step is followed and everything I do I am modeling to my daughter how a person should be. The responsibility is huge, and I have to watch myself, and find new ways to do things I do and say things differently all day long. But I love it! It gives me a reason to keep my home clean, to make sure we keep God as a priority in our life, and make sure we are healthy and not just lazy slobs.

I also hated the idea that being a mom meant, keeping up on laundry, learning to cook, clean, bath, and keep some kind of schedule thru out our days. I never wanted to just do those kind of things, but lately I am finding I actually enjoy cooking and learning to make things, I love to make a meal that Zoey loves or my husband loves, I love finding a good recipe that turns out right that we all enjoy, and I love the feeling of a clean home. I find days that I do nothing and sit around watching tv or whatever, I am so upset with myself at the end of it. But days I get off my butt and do the dishes, do some laundry, vacuum, and clean up I am proud of myself and my home. I don't often keep a good schedule and get everything done, working and balancing home life gets difficult, but it is something I am finally beginning to learn, and that feels so good! 

Our great thing lately has been deciding to set one day a week aside for cleaning, grocery shopping, and errands, and one day a week for getting out and having a fun family day. It is very rewarding, I don't expect each week to be perfect but this is definitely a step in the right direction and keeps us from eating out or going crazy from cabin fever. I love having a family, I take on the responsibility that being a mom and wife has and try to learn everyday. Learning to admit I am not perfect and I don't have it all together and sometimes I am totally wrong in what I do, and picking myself up each time and trying again. This is what we must do as moms all the time, and I am ok with that. I just want to be the best that I can be and raise a family that loves the Lord above all else is the most important thing in the world!

October

I cannot believe it is the middle of October, really I can't believe it is already October at all. Time has been flying. I am definitely enjoying the weather cooling off enough to go outside and not start sweating immediately, we still haven't hit the sweatshirt time yet, and I can't wait since I love to bundle up!

Today is my husbands Birthday, since he is working night shifts all week long we did an early celebration on Sunday! I love my husband so much and I love celebrating his life. He blesses me a ton, I don't know what I would do without him! Happy Birthday hunny!

I also got to hear my little baby boy's heart beat today, I love hearing that he is well and alive and really is there! Sometimes pregnancy is so awing it is hard to believe, even tho I feel him kicking all day long now and I am definitely starting to get a belly. 24 weeks a long already!! This little guy will be here before we know it!

We are beginning to enjoy the fall festivities, such as baking, and having anything to do with pumpkins that I can! We also hit up Big Lots for some very nicely priced decorations, we didn't do a ton, but the idea is to add on each year and if I start out with everything we have no where left to go. Having kids is the best thing for Holiday spirits and fun! Even tho Zoey may not remember yet, we will always have the pictures and stories to tell. We are hoping to go to a pumpkin patch this weekend, there will be many pictures taken!!

The season of Thanksgiving is here, and I can't help but be incredibly grateful for everything I have. So often we aspire for the next thing, and the next paycheck, that we forget what we have now. I have a beautiful family, a baby on the way, a daughter I adore and brings constant laughter and life into my home, a hardworking husband who is a wonderful daddy and man, a nice roomy apt. and a new car! Life is good. I may not know what tomorrow brings, or what will happen, but I do know I have a God who always provides for my needs and that is all I need. I wish we concentrated more on these things then what we do. 

Dancing in the rain

It has been months sense my last post... and so much has changed! Now where to even begin.

First off, to our great joy we our pregnant again!! We have always wanted our children to be close in age, and I have always wanted them to be exactly 18 months apart. So, one day we decided that we ready to start trying for baby number two! This was in May, the first week of June I started testing even before I missed my period just because I couldn't stand to wait, haha. To my disappointment I had three negative tests before I finally had two positives!!! I immediately bought a pair of boy pj's that I loved sure I was having a son!  I am now almost 18 weeks along and just found out last week we are expecting a little boy due on my Mother's Birthday on Feb. 3rd. 2013 making our children just barely 18 months apart!

I have learned so much these past few years, God is so good!! Becoming a parent has been the greatest blessing, I love my daughter and my unborn son so much! I love my husband who is so good to us all and loves God so much. His heart is so good and full of love, I am so blessed to have a husband who I can go thru struggles with. One who is so patient when I get so angry and question God, I never see my husband question His goodness no matter the struggle and I am just so glad to have him to keep me accountable with my relationship with the Lord. We have definitely shared tears and stresses but God has never failed us. Not once. I wouldn't change anything in our lives right now. I know God has a reason for every season we go thru, and if all I learn is to trust and be content that is more then enough. Riches and glory will get us no where, nothing can buy eternal life, nothing can take the place of a walk with Jesus. His Presence is more then enough for me.

My beautiful daughter is now 13 months, the time flies so fast! She is such a joy, learning new words everyday and growing into her own person, I just love her so much! She has started mimicking like crazy which just is a constant reminder of how I need to show her love and watch my words and attitude constantly. I want her to always know the Presence of God and how to walk with love towards everyone. I think I learn far more being a parent then I teach this little one.

Sense the day we found out the sex of our son we have literally been hit on every side. Financially, emotionally, everything seems to come smashing down on all sides. This time I recognize this tho, and I am even more thankful for our son, our lives, and my God. Everything that can be shaken will, this time I just look up to my wonderful King and know His plans are good, that He always provides and that now is a time to draw closer to Him because at the end of every struggle is good.

I live such a blessed life :).

Summer bliss

This month has been so full of exciting things! I love summer and the sun.

My husband and I are buckling down this month saving for our first car in June!! I am so excited for this I can hardly stand it. Our car is beyond humbling, I will have to put a pic up of it before we junk it. I can't stop imagining finally being able to sit up front next to my husband like a normal person, haha.Not to mention actually being able to leave our town after almost 3 years without any vacation or leaving the area.


Zoey's firsts this month, one was taking her first steps! She seems to be satisfied in that and has only done it a few times sense, I am sure she will be walking walking soon enough. Other Zoey firsts is she finally got her first tooth last week, she sadly, got her first black eye (falling while playing) and went to the lake for her first time, which she loved!! I love watching her little personality come out.

  

                                                        Her first swimsuit and black eye :(

I had my first Mother's Day last Sunday where my husband spoiled me with flowers, a card, and breakfast! It was a wonderful day and I am just so happy and blessed to be a mom!

Also for our very full month of May, our 2 year Anniversary is Monday, I have a babysitter so we can have our very first date night sense having Zoey!! Thank you to my dear friend Jessie who has volunteered to watch her so we can have dinner and a movie. I am thinking trying a new burger place in town and seeing the Avengers! Now I know how my parents felt when my mom would talk about going months and even a year at a time without any real alone time! I love being with Zoey but I can't lie and say I am not excited to have an evening alone with my husband. Maybe we can make date nights a little more regular from now on.

I can't wait to start hitting the lake more and start taking some actual trips,  I always enjoy being outdoors enjoying sun and warmth :) too bad we can't always get the summers off like kids.

Balancing Life

Learning to balance life is no easy task, at least not for me. Now that I have gotten kind of used to being a mom I am realizing I have no excuse for not getting the things done I want/need to do. It is hard for me to figure out what kind of schedule I should be on, and I keep reminding myself that Zoey will not be a baby forever and soon will require a more "set and balanced lifestyle". I have many ideas but rarely have very much follow thru.

I guess you could say I am a bit lost, I want to be a picture of a mom who has it all together, meals, bedtimes, baths, time with God, laundry, cleaning, work... I want my child/children to be secure and know that I am consistent. Often times when I have days off especially with my husband (sense we both work opposing schedules) I want to just enjoy being together and although there is nothing wrong with that I rarely take the time to do the much needed land field of laundry or clean the apt or even grocery shop, which just leads to wasting money and eating out.

I never pictured myself being a working mom, or really a stay at home mom either. I guess I just thought I would live on the mission field raising children and sharing the gospel in some third world country. Now that that is not the life I am living, at least not yet, I know something must be done.

I am wondering how to keep everything done with a work schedule that is rarely consistent I am always working different shifts and days each week. It is not like I can make some set schedule. I also know that my current job is not where I want to be in the next years/months, and know that I must go to school so I can pursue a better job that would work better for a family. But then,  the question is, how do I work, go to school, have family time, and keep things clean and done? I know tons of moms do this and even single they manage to find ways. I guess I am just afraid that if I cannot put enough time and effort into school I will just drop out and never finish.

Thank God I have a husband who is flexible and fully supports me in everything  I want to do! He helps out, cooks, cleans, babysits and still works 40-60 hrs a week! I know I can do this I just need to figure out what works best for me.

Here are just a few things I need to be more consistent and scheduled with:
Zoey's baths
Laundry
cleaning
grocery shopping
eating times
meal plans
spending time with God
applying for grants and looking into more schools and programs
family outings
work
journaling
keeping up on Zoey's baby book
Zoey's pictures
exercising 
finding healthy alternatives but staying within budget
budgeting

These are just what is on my mind currently I have so many things I could be doing but often, after work especially, end up vegging on the couch watching Netflix or Facebooking.

On the bright side of things, this week I have accomplished applying for Shasta and for some grants (thanks hubby for helping) and keeping up on the dishes and laundry a little better and our apt (not great yet but better). Also we have not eaten out this week but instead actually bought groceries for the week and made meals from those. I also haven't bought anything at work in over a week (which lately, I have been awful just getting whatever because I think I need it or Zoey needs something we really don't). If anyone has any tips please I am ALL ears!!

Desperate

This voice deep inside of me is always calling. This voice is always pricking at my mind and heart, no matter what struggles may come in life it is always there. This voice, this feeling, is just gnawing at me, it won't go away even when I run from it. I often make mistakes and ignore it, I do things my way and chose not to hear. I grow more miserable and pretend that it is no longer there. I cannot ignore the voice any longer. 

This voice reminds me who I am, who I was created to be, what my dreams are. This voice has faith in me that I don't. This voice shows me myself as a child always dreaming and full of faith. 

As I start to hear this voice and feel it, I am reminded it is my dear friend Holy Spirit. 

I cannot hide from Him, I cannot run away any longer. 

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels so desperate! I have such a huge hole inside that must be filled I have such a hole of desire! I must accomplish what I was born to! I grow tired of the mundane life that I live and watch so many others live with ease. I wonder how can one be truly happy without living for God? 

I often think and tell God "if I cannot live life for You, if I cannot do what I know You have placed in me to do, I don't want to live!" and I mean it!! I know it sounds eccentric but it's so deep in me. I have lived my whole life knowing what I want but not knowing how to get there. I must do this!! I must live my life to the fullest! 

I have been so side tracked, things happen, people hurt you, life gets hard, we don't understand why things happen. I grow jealous watching others live such easy lives that seem to be handed to them on silver platters, I get tired of trying to think well of others, tired of trying to please them.

In the end I don't have to worry, I don't have to please others, I don't have to wonder what people think of me, I have never wanted to live like others, I have never wanted the "American Dream", I just want to live a life for my God, the One who placed me here, the King I know, that has brought me up to hear His voice and share His love. Just because I have been hurt does not mean I give up on Him, on life. I cannot live without Him. I just can't. I am a miserable jerk that not even I like without Him.