Balancing Life

Learning to balance life is no easy task, at least not for me. Now that I have gotten kind of used to being a mom I am realizing I have no excuse for not getting the things done I want/need to do. It is hard for me to figure out what kind of schedule I should be on, and I keep reminding myself that Zoey will not be a baby forever and soon will require a more "set and balanced lifestyle". I have many ideas but rarely have very much follow thru.

I guess you could say I am a bit lost, I want to be a picture of a mom who has it all together, meals, bedtimes, baths, time with God, laundry, cleaning, work... I want my child/children to be secure and know that I am consistent. Often times when I have days off especially with my husband (sense we both work opposing schedules) I want to just enjoy being together and although there is nothing wrong with that I rarely take the time to do the much needed land field of laundry or clean the apt or even grocery shop, which just leads to wasting money and eating out.

I never pictured myself being a working mom, or really a stay at home mom either. I guess I just thought I would live on the mission field raising children and sharing the gospel in some third world country. Now that that is not the life I am living, at least not yet, I know something must be done.

I am wondering how to keep everything done with a work schedule that is rarely consistent I am always working different shifts and days each week. It is not like I can make some set schedule. I also know that my current job is not where I want to be in the next years/months, and know that I must go to school so I can pursue a better job that would work better for a family. But then,  the question is, how do I work, go to school, have family time, and keep things clean and done? I know tons of moms do this and even single they manage to find ways. I guess I am just afraid that if I cannot put enough time and effort into school I will just drop out and never finish.

Thank God I have a husband who is flexible and fully supports me in everything  I want to do! He helps out, cooks, cleans, babysits and still works 40-60 hrs a week! I know I can do this I just need to figure out what works best for me.

Here are just a few things I need to be more consistent and scheduled with:
Zoey's baths
Laundry
cleaning
grocery shopping
eating times
meal plans
spending time with God
applying for grants and looking into more schools and programs
family outings
work
journaling
keeping up on Zoey's baby book
Zoey's pictures
exercising 
finding healthy alternatives but staying within budget
budgeting

These are just what is on my mind currently I have so many things I could be doing but often, after work especially, end up vegging on the couch watching Netflix or Facebooking.

On the bright side of things, this week I have accomplished applying for Shasta and for some grants (thanks hubby for helping) and keeping up on the dishes and laundry a little better and our apt (not great yet but better). Also we have not eaten out this week but instead actually bought groceries for the week and made meals from those. I also haven't bought anything at work in over a week (which lately, I have been awful just getting whatever because I think I need it or Zoey needs something we really don't). If anyone has any tips please I am ALL ears!!

Desperate

This voice deep inside of me is always calling. This voice is always pricking at my mind and heart, no matter what struggles may come in life it is always there. This voice, this feeling, is just gnawing at me, it won't go away even when I run from it. I often make mistakes and ignore it, I do things my way and chose not to hear. I grow more miserable and pretend that it is no longer there. I cannot ignore the voice any longer. 

This voice reminds me who I am, who I was created to be, what my dreams are. This voice has faith in me that I don't. This voice shows me myself as a child always dreaming and full of faith. 

As I start to hear this voice and feel it, I am reminded it is my dear friend Holy Spirit. 

I cannot hide from Him, I cannot run away any longer. 

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels so desperate! I have such a huge hole inside that must be filled I have such a hole of desire! I must accomplish what I was born to! I grow tired of the mundane life that I live and watch so many others live with ease. I wonder how can one be truly happy without living for God? 

I often think and tell God "if I cannot live life for You, if I cannot do what I know You have placed in me to do, I don't want to live!" and I mean it!! I know it sounds eccentric but it's so deep in me. I have lived my whole life knowing what I want but not knowing how to get there. I must do this!! I must live my life to the fullest! 

I have been so side tracked, things happen, people hurt you, life gets hard, we don't understand why things happen. I grow jealous watching others live such easy lives that seem to be handed to them on silver platters, I get tired of trying to think well of others, tired of trying to please them.

In the end I don't have to worry, I don't have to please others, I don't have to wonder what people think of me, I have never wanted to live like others, I have never wanted the "American Dream", I just want to live a life for my God, the One who placed me here, the King I know, that has brought me up to hear His voice and share His love. Just because I have been hurt does not mean I give up on Him, on life. I cannot live without Him. I just can't. I am a miserable jerk that not even I like without Him.

Thankful

Ugh, finally a day off! Time to catch up on much needed sleep, baby time, and cleaning.

I have been struggling and stressing like crazy lately, but recently have found some peace somehow. Maybe, it is the prayers of others or my own, I am not sure but I am full of anticipation and excitement for what comes next in life. Thank God, I haven't felt like this in a while. Sense it is almost Thanksgiving here is just a small bit of things I am thankful for. 

 

1) My gorgeous little baby girl, Zoey

2) A home that is finally mine

3) A loving  husband who cooks, cleans, and babysits for me

4) A job for both my husband and I

5) My God who never leaves, never stops loving, and ALWAYS provides 

When I stop and think of where I have been and where I am, I am so incredibly thankful. I have wonderful friends who have gone so far above and beyond to help me and be there for me. I have a wonderful baby that brings more joy to my life everyday. I have parents who brought me up to love the Lord with all of my heart, mind and soul, and to go after Him more then anything else in life (who could ask for more then that?).

I have the patience of a gnat, so I often lose track of what is truly important in life. I want to travel so bad, all I have ever wanted is to be a missionary, but I know if I am not following after God, if I am not plugged in, how do I expect to see this happen?? As long as we seek the Kingdom of God first all these things will be added to us! He always provides, He is always there, I love God, I love my Jesus, and I will shout this from the rooftops!! It is a good day off, and a good day to be thankful.

Inspired By Jax

Christmas is on my mind. A little bit early, I know, but maybe its from working retail, we put up Christmas decorations in like August. Or maybe it is from having a child to celebrate with! Either way I am just super excited about it this year!

these are jammies a friend got me, very festive, I love them! there is also a deer face on the butt

I am looking for ideas that are inexpensive yet fun. I have no decorations yet or anything to make this Christmas special. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do???

My mom always made Christmas so very special. The day after Thanksgiving while we were outside playing, she would change the whole house into a Christmas wonder. I looked forward to it and loved all that she did. I know it takes a few years to accumulate all this stuff but if I could I would go out and buy everything festive thing I saw, haha. My real desire tho, is to go home for Chistmas, I miss my family so much. Stupid retail job would never let me do it tho. So, I will have to find my own way, I will not let my job ruin my love of holidays!