New Plans

In my previous blog I wrote of my desperateness to stay home and be a full time mommy, my frustration on why God wasn't blessing us with better opportunities. The disappointment of wondering why exactly we moved back to Idaho in the first place when it seems all of our reasons did not turn out at all like we expected.

Well, not much has changed physically in our lives but my heart has. Sometimes we need to come to terms with things, and sometimes we need to see things like they are and even if they don't turn out like we've hoped there is a kind of closure in knowing what happened. Then, you can heal. So maybe I was expecting the wrong out come, but not that this isn't what God wanted us to do. Sometimes his plans for us our very different then ours, and He knows what we need, what we must experience to heal and forgive. So that is my choice, to take everyday to forgive, to heal, to love. It isn't always easy.

I started a new job about a month ago it is by far not my favorite thing to do but thankfully the schedule seems to be a lot better then my previous job and they seem to be willing to work with Tony and I so that is a definite plus. Having this though has really caused me to wonder what the heck am I doing with my life? Working low waged jobs I don't enjoy and have to work all the weekends on, there's no consistency, and it is very hard to plan a family life with this kind of work, on top of just barely making it by each month. 

So we've thought about it before but I have always been to afraid to actually follow through. I am finally in the process of applying for college and grants!! I am beyond excited to finally be making these decisions, I've decided to go for my teaching degree. I changed from nursing to that because I love the idea of having summers off with the kids and weekends, the schooling isn't as difficult and the job isn't nearly as demanding, I love kids and I have so many family members that are or have been teacher's such as my grandparents and both of my sister-in-laws. I truly feel this what God has planned for me right now and I cannot wait to began my journey.

So we finally were able to buy a new computer the very one I am typing right now. We haven't had one for about 8 months so this is so incredibly nice to have again. Doing everything on my phone can be very difficult and straining on my eyes. I am so happy to have it. So that is my update next time I'll try to write about the babies and how much they are changing!

The great move

So much has changed in our lives in the last few months and yet so much remains the same.

Thank God for maternity leave! People may have issues with California but I am happy to have lived there when having my two babies! I have been off work sense January 5th and do not need to return until May 8th and then I plan on taking all my vacation time while trying to get a transfer up here.

I was determined not to return to my former job in fact I was believing/desperately hoping I wouldn't have to go back to work at all.

Although I haven't minded working so much in the past once I started my leave my relationship with Zoey completely changed. She began to actually hug and kiss me, she mimicks everything I do, the way I stand, the way I sigh, cross my arms, eat, everything. She follows me around all day talking up a storm (mostly gibberish but its super cute) I mean she follows me to the bathroom (we shower together everyday) and she is normally right on my feet to where I can't even turn around without knocking her over. I love our relationship! I love that she loves me! I used to think my working didn't affect her but now that I recognize that it does, it breaks my heart to go back.

My husband applied for a hundred jobs and had some promising interviews to places that paid well enough I could stay home, I think that's where I let myself really believe I was done working. He ended up with a job just like what he had in California and with the same pay.

It was an odd feeling when my husband landed this job, I was thankful we didn't have to wait months and run out of the little savings we had. We moved here completely on faith so finding a job was great! But I couldn't help but have a little bit of an emotional break down. Our apt cost more here and I just felt like throwing up and screaming and cursing God. I was hoping our lives could be different.  That we would stop living from paycheck to paycheck that my husband could actually do something he enjoyed and not kill himself working the night shift and then me the day.

So I begrudgingly started applying for a few jobs but soon realized anything like what I'm doing will pay less and I won't have any vacation time built up or seniority.

I still don't know what to do with these emotions. With the fact I am so disappointed.  I don't know why we have to start out here the way we left the life I was hoping to leave behind.

It hasn't been as easy here as I hoped. Its cold, cloudy and rainy. I have no friends. And outside of my husband (who has worked every single day in the last 3 weeks) I feel very alone. This is just another season in my life another chance to choose to trust God even when I don't like what's going on and I don't want to. Its just not that easy. If anybody reads this prayers are appreciated.  :)

My growing family

Hello dear blog. Its been awhile.

Life has sure changed dramatically for our family in the last 6 months! First off I had our baby boy who is now 2 months old!

Zayne Callum Saber (which means God is gracious,  and his middle name means Sword of the Spirit). He is precious and his birth was absolutely perfect and easy.

Zoey still isn't quite sure what to think of him and mostly ignores him. She loves taking his pacifier and putting it into her own mouth. She tried to pick him up for the first time yesterday and freaked me out. She is jealous of her time with Mommy however, and wants on my lap everytime I breastfeed. I try to make space but can't always and then she runs away screaming or throws herself on the ground. I can hardly blame the poor girl she has been through a lot of change in these two months!

6 weeks ago we packed up and moved back to Idaho with our 3 week old and 18 month old. The trip wasn't too bad Zayne slept most of the way except for feeding stops every 3 hrs and poor Zoey threw quite a few fits. Thinking we already had an apt we thought the transition would be moderately easy but the nice apartment we had was not as nice as the pictures seemed to show. We ended up living with my parents and their 5 younger kids (my sibs) and two big labs (both sill puppies) for 5 weeks! It was not an easy stay and poor Zoeys things and toys were packed the whole time due to the dogs chewing problems. It was good to get to know my brothers and sisters again, but needless to say, I am so very grateful for our own place now.

Its hard enough adjusting to a new baby, raging hormones, and little sleep. Throw in the last 5 weeks and it was a rollercoaster of constant emotions!

So with Zoey's little fits and tantrums right now I'm kind of letting them go, realizing this poor toddler has no clue why her world keeps changing.

In the little things

It's really all in the little things. Little things like turning on worship music at the beginning of the day, whether you are truly worshiping or just going about your routine it changes your mood and the atmosphere of your home, and once I turn it on, I can't help but sit down or lift my hands and praise my God.

It's the little things like when I turn on the worship music and suddenly my daughter is by my side swaying back and forth singing. Melts my heart every time, I am finding when I turn on the music my little guy inside starts to kick, and I can't help but wonder what's really going on inside of me. I don't believe a child is ever to young to know the presence of God or to worship.

It's that one small moment you give in to Jesus and feel Him for the first time in days, the love and overwhelming presence. Why do I wait? Why do I not start every morning like this? Why is God so good to us that we can get "busy" and ignore Him for days, weeks, months, or even years, but He is right there when we silence ourselves?

I can't help but love Him more all the time for how wonderful He is. Every situation in my life where I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, like everything was impossible, and I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up on God, on life, everything, He has still provided whether I ask Him to or not, whether I am really intimate with Him or not. It doesn't matter what we give Him He is still there for us, and that is so hard to understand.

I can't even begin to recount all God has done for me. The times I have literally threatened to end my own life as a child unless God came thru, He did. The times where we didn't think we had money for food in the past and yet we always had enough, the times we didn't think we could pay our bills and yet somehow we have each time. Thinking I could never provide for our daughter and all the people who have given me clothes, and things we needed, a crib, stroller, everything. Now with our son, I haven't been freaking out about provision knowing God will take care of us, and just yesterday a girl I hardly know offered me all her baby boy things. I am beyond blessed, and one day I cannot wait to be able to give like others have given to me. I am forever grateful to so many people.

I may not spend hours a day seeking out God like I once did, I may not have a perfect walk with Him, yet He is still faithful. He is in all we do, He is in our work, in our everyday life, in our children, and everyday I am learning how much He is by my side, and how much I am learning thru this season even if it isn't like it used to be. He is so good to me! I give Him all the praise for everything in my life, in the pain there is beauty, because God can turn everything to good. I truly believe everything can turn to good no matter how awful it is.

Being a Mom

Being a mom is one of those things every one seems to take for granted as a child. I remember when I was a kid my mom would talk about how all she ever really wanted to be was a mommy, and I always thought that was lame. She would tell us that being a mom was the greatest gift someone could ever be given, and I would secretly hope I would never be just a "mom".

Boy do I think so differently now! Being a mom is awesome! Every day I fall more in love with my life as a mommy and wife, and I find so much fulfillment from it. Being a mom is full time, non stop work, but it is so rewarding! I find I learn far more then I teach Zoey every day. I learn my actions and words are always being watched my every step is followed and everything I do I am modeling to my daughter how a person should be. The responsibility is huge, and I have to watch myself, and find new ways to do things I do and say things differently all day long. But I love it! It gives me a reason to keep my home clean, to make sure we keep God as a priority in our life, and make sure we are healthy and not just lazy slobs.

I also hated the idea that being a mom meant, keeping up on laundry, learning to cook, clean, bath, and keep some kind of schedule thru out our days. I never wanted to just do those kind of things, but lately I am finding I actually enjoy cooking and learning to make things, I love to make a meal that Zoey loves or my husband loves, I love finding a good recipe that turns out right that we all enjoy, and I love the feeling of a clean home. I find days that I do nothing and sit around watching tv or whatever, I am so upset with myself at the end of it. But days I get off my butt and do the dishes, do some laundry, vacuum, and clean up I am proud of myself and my home. I don't often keep a good schedule and get everything done, working and balancing home life gets difficult, but it is something I am finally beginning to learn, and that feels so good! 

Our great thing lately has been deciding to set one day a week aside for cleaning, grocery shopping, and errands, and one day a week for getting out and having a fun family day. It is very rewarding, I don't expect each week to be perfect but this is definitely a step in the right direction and keeps us from eating out or going crazy from cabin fever. I love having a family, I take on the responsibility that being a mom and wife has and try to learn everyday. Learning to admit I am not perfect and I don't have it all together and sometimes I am totally wrong in what I do, and picking myself up each time and trying again. This is what we must do as moms all the time, and I am ok with that. I just want to be the best that I can be and raise a family that loves the Lord above all else is the most important thing in the world!

October

I cannot believe it is the middle of October, really I can't believe it is already October at all. Time has been flying. I am definitely enjoying the weather cooling off enough to go outside and not start sweating immediately, we still haven't hit the sweatshirt time yet, and I can't wait since I love to bundle up!

Today is my husbands Birthday, since he is working night shifts all week long we did an early celebration on Sunday! I love my husband so much and I love celebrating his life. He blesses me a ton, I don't know what I would do without him! Happy Birthday hunny!

I also got to hear my little baby boy's heart beat today, I love hearing that he is well and alive and really is there! Sometimes pregnancy is so awing it is hard to believe, even tho I feel him kicking all day long now and I am definitely starting to get a belly. 24 weeks a long already!! This little guy will be here before we know it!

We are beginning to enjoy the fall festivities, such as baking, and having anything to do with pumpkins that I can! We also hit up Big Lots for some very nicely priced decorations, we didn't do a ton, but the idea is to add on each year and if I start out with everything we have no where left to go. Having kids is the best thing for Holiday spirits and fun! Even tho Zoey may not remember yet, we will always have the pictures and stories to tell. We are hoping to go to a pumpkin patch this weekend, there will be many pictures taken!!

The season of Thanksgiving is here, and I can't help but be incredibly grateful for everything I have. So often we aspire for the next thing, and the next paycheck, that we forget what we have now. I have a beautiful family, a baby on the way, a daughter I adore and brings constant laughter and life into my home, a hardworking husband who is a wonderful daddy and man, a nice roomy apt. and a new car! Life is good. I may not know what tomorrow brings, or what will happen, but I do know I have a God who always provides for my needs and that is all I need. I wish we concentrated more on these things then what we do. 

Dancing in the rain

It has been months sense my last post... and so much has changed! Now where to even begin.

First off, to our great joy we our pregnant again!! We have always wanted our children to be close in age, and I have always wanted them to be exactly 18 months apart. So, one day we decided that we ready to start trying for baby number two! This was in May, the first week of June I started testing even before I missed my period just because I couldn't stand to wait, haha. To my disappointment I had three negative tests before I finally had two positives!!! I immediately bought a pair of boy pj's that I loved sure I was having a son!  I am now almost 18 weeks along and just found out last week we are expecting a little boy due on my Mother's Birthday on Feb. 3rd. 2013 making our children just barely 18 months apart!

I have learned so much these past few years, God is so good!! Becoming a parent has been the greatest blessing, I love my daughter and my unborn son so much! I love my husband who is so good to us all and loves God so much. His heart is so good and full of love, I am so blessed to have a husband who I can go thru struggles with. One who is so patient when I get so angry and question God, I never see my husband question His goodness no matter the struggle and I am just so glad to have him to keep me accountable with my relationship with the Lord. We have definitely shared tears and stresses but God has never failed us. Not once. I wouldn't change anything in our lives right now. I know God has a reason for every season we go thru, and if all I learn is to trust and be content that is more then enough. Riches and glory will get us no where, nothing can buy eternal life, nothing can take the place of a walk with Jesus. His Presence is more then enough for me.

My beautiful daughter is now 13 months, the time flies so fast! She is such a joy, learning new words everyday and growing into her own person, I just love her so much! She has started mimicking like crazy which just is a constant reminder of how I need to show her love and watch my words and attitude constantly. I want her to always know the Presence of God and how to walk with love towards everyone. I think I learn far more being a parent then I teach this little one.

Sense the day we found out the sex of our son we have literally been hit on every side. Financially, emotionally, everything seems to come smashing down on all sides. This time I recognize this tho, and I am even more thankful for our son, our lives, and my God. Everything that can be shaken will, this time I just look up to my wonderful King and know His plans are good, that He always provides and that now is a time to draw closer to Him because at the end of every struggle is good.

I live such a blessed life :).